Monday, November 06, 2006

Oh Christ No!

I realize this isn’t the most earth-shattering post topic/take in the history of the world, but cut me some slack here. Sunday's post was barely legible – was I on painkillers, or something? – and this topic was requested by loyal reader rf/anonymous. I’m trying to make amends, reader(s). Bear with me.

There is a chance – however remote – that Dusty Baker might be considered as a possible replacement for Bruce Bochy as San Diego’s manager. Now, I am not a man easily frightened, unless I am somehow confronted with spiders, cephalopods or home pregnancy tests. But, let me tell you, the prospect of having Dusty Baker as the manager of my favorite sports franchise (the Jays are too expensive as a favourite team, considering the exchange rate, and the need to spell with the superfluous “u” when speaking of them) has managed to disrupt my sleeping patterns. Honestly, I’d rather be a bad kicker at Colorado than watch even one Padres game with Dusty at the helm.

After all, this is the man who twice – twice! – used the term “clogging up the basepaths” this past season when trying to explain why OBP was overrated. If you, in any way, think that having baserunners can ever be a bad thing in the sport of baseball, you should be condemned to the Mexican League. This is also the man who has managed to ruin the no-brainer careers of both Kerry Wood and Mark Prior, which is kind of like giving both the Olson twins the clap, three months apart.

The Padres, as currently comprised, are a promising team with a good mix of young guys and solid vets. They get on base fairly well, play pretty good defense, and have one of the better pitching staffs in the league. Are they better than the Mets? No. But they’re better than the Dodgers, and most years that’s good enough for me.

As far as I can tell, the Padres are pretty much a lock to win more than 89 games next year, which should be good enough to win the NL West. If Dusty Baker gets hired, I see that number changing by as much as 10 games. No, I’m not exaggerating.

Did anyone watch the Cubs play last season? I did, especially while I was in Italy, because they play a lot of days games. You know what I saw? A team that didn’t give a flying fuck about being good at its job. The leadoff hitter, Juan Pierre (also known as the world’s only “gritty” black man) OBPed .330, which is almost impossible when you consider that his batting average was .292. Jacque Jones was allowed to regress to the point where he’s worse than replacement level. Aramis Ramirez, who should be mentioned in the same breath as Cabrera, Howard and Wright, was allowed to remain the undisciplined turd he’s always been. Matt Murton hasn’t been heard from since April. And those are probably the four best players on last year’s Cubs team, since D-Lee missed most of the season with a broken wrist. What most people don’t know is that Dusty actually stomped on Derek’s wrist because he was taking “too many goddamned pitches.” Dusty then said, “It’s called ‘hitting,’ not ‘trying to help your team win!’”

I won’t even bother getting into Dusty’s days with the Giants … oh, fuck that, yes I will. Dusty was even worse with the Giants. Anyone remember Pedro Feliz? At one point in time, Mr. Feliz was a great prospect. Then Dusty got a hold of him, convinced him that a “hanging” slider includes those thrown in the dirt, and since then Feliz has been a constant threat to possess and OBP lower than his IQ. Dusty Baker is also the reason that Rob Nen has been forced to learn how to write with his left hand. And the explanation for Kirk Rueter holding down a starting job in the major leagues. And the impetus for 64.3 percent of all Golden Gate suicides in the last 10 years. Dusty killed JonBenet Ramsey while on a road swing in Colorado. Don’t believe me? I haven’t heard an alibi yet.

So, don’t blame me if the thought of Jake Peavy being on one of Dusty’s “pitch counts” makes me want to drink bleach.

I don't think it will happen. There's no rational reason it ever should happen. The Padres hired Sandy Alderson specifically so nonsensical shit like this can't happen. But if it does, I swear, I'm burning my gear and starting over as a D-Backs fan. I'd rather watch Eric Byrnes get a hernia trying to pull a changeup a foot outside than watch Armbands fucking McGee destroy the Friars.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Armbands McGee? Is he related to Clear Oakleys O'Malley, otherwise known as Jason Phillips?