Thursday, January 11, 2007

Well, if he won't talk about it, I will

I don't know what the fuck has happened to Justin the past week, but he went from getting hammered with me in Phoenix to writing about the metaphysical discontent of freshly ground coffee beans. And, of course, he won't talk about the fucking Eagles, since he apparently huffed a little too much formaldehyde in his formative years and still believes in the Easter Bunny, transubstantiation and jinxing sports teams. But I'll talk about this shit. That's because I'm fucking hardcore. And bored.

The Eagles are probably the hottest team in football, despite the fact that there's really no good reason for them to be this good. At the outset of the season, I bet Justin on the Eagles winning more than 10.5 games, mainly because I thought there was some real talent on that offense to give McNabb and Westbrook some backup. Turns out, there really isn't, but at least Westbrook is way better than I ever thought he was, and I always thought he was pretty fucking good (BTW, how the fuck does this guy not have a ticket to Hawaii?!?). And the defense is really showing it's age (not to mention the folly of blitzing more than half the time ... yes, lots of pressure, but also lots of big plays given up, especially with a shaky secondary). Frankly, the Eagles are a pleasantly mediocre team, not especially fun to watch, and short of the running back there's nothing really dynamic about this team.

I don't need to break down this team's season, and I don't have anything especially earth-shattering to say about why the turnaround happened, except for one thing: The difference in offensive line play since Garcia came in has been stunning. With McNabb in there, the Eagles appeared to be playing without tackles. With Garcia in there, this line has suddenly become one of the best in the league (again). Why? Because when you don't fucking pass the ball every play, offensive lines are allowed to spend some time moving forward instead of backward. Run blocking is way easier than pass blocking, and a lot more fun. It's also determinate instead of reactive. When an offensive coordinator gives his linemen a chance to go out and de-cleat some overwhelmed safety, they'll come back into the huddle thinking the head slap they're about to take from an overpaid defensive end isn't going to be so bad.

So, anyway, that's the extent of my analysis.

Now, I'm a little torn over Saturday's game. I love the fucking Saints. They're not only a great story, but they've got to be the most fun team to watch in the league this side of the Bolts. I'm convinced that Drew Brees' mole is a performance-enhancing substance. Or it's made of melted chocolate. One of the two. Anyway, I like the Saints. I also like the Eagles, because Justin's a big fan and I find it hard not to root for teams my friends live and die by because those friends are usually insufferable when thheir teams lose (or are simply in the playoffs) and there's something in it for me when those teams win. But I don't love the Eagles enough to think that I wouldn't prefer to see the Saints against the Bolts in the SB. Can anyone who's not a die-hard Eagles fan disagree with me on this point?

Also: Jeff Garcia's girlfriend is the best looking beard I've ever seen. I wonder if she knows that most guys would have at least tried vaginal sex before moving straight for the deuce.

- Why Beckham's move to L.A. will only reinforce my unwillingness to watch the MLS.

- Anyone else notice that Roma is in second place in Serie A right now? Get on board, people!

- Bonds tested positive for speed. I'm assuming he thought the drug's name was literal, and believed it would save him from looking like the desiccated corpse of Kirby Puckett in left field.

- I am becoming convinced that while he was playing, Burt Blyleven fucked the wife of every single baseball writer in America, and then smeared the lusty secretions of those wives on the faces of those reporters' respective sons while taking pornographic images of those sportswriters' prepubescent daughters that would later be posted on a free internet site that exists for the purposes of showing prepubescent porn only to those young men that happen to go to the same schools as the young ladies appearing in the pornographic images. That is the only possible explanation for his not being in the HOF. I realize this is not a topic; I just needed to get that off my chest.

LATE EDIT: There is no team in the NFL with a more openly homoerotic fanbase than the Seahawks. I promise.

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