Tuesday, February 20, 2007

With all due respect

I think everyone's getting a touch hyperbolic considering the relative absurdity of the argument, and the premises being offered.

Pat, you know I think you're totally wrong about Tiger. Even if I were to allow you the opportunity to re-frame your argument, or fiddle with the definition of "biggest" so it's slightly more nebulous, I still think you're wrong. But, it's cool, because I also think VORP is the most important stat in baseball, and none of you retards will even spell it right. I mean, who can pass up a stale acronym pun?

Justin, while I agree with you about it not being Tiger, I also disqualify Yao for the same reason you do Pat's choice. Furthermore, I think you're taking the lead in SONBDs (Stridency Over Normally Breathless Dudes) with your turning Pat's, or anyone else's, choice of Tiger in this argument as a sign that Americans are xenophobic and egocentric (as a collective? not sure) on the whole.

The problem we're all facing is that we're basing our arguments on scant evidence and tons of conjecture. I was born in Canada and ran away from my problems in Italy for a while, so I probably lean to the European sports side of things, which means I choose guys like Beckham, Henry and Zidane. However, I'm a baseball stat geek, so the correct answer is Travis Hafner (this meeting is adjourned). Pat's lived in S.D. and the most racist state in America, so his cute mixture of superficiality and racist guilt makes him pick a black golfer with no personality and a blond wife. Bryan's history in Israel and deep study of the Talmud caused him to pick Tamir Goodman and the dude that was killed by Miles Dabord. Ryan's early-onset Parkinsons means his vote's for Lute, hands down (and shaky!). And Justin's tireless work in the ethnic slums of China as part of a small, non-profit Christian mission named after the hirsute St. James the Greater that preaches non-violence and increased peripheral vision when driving has evidently caused him to favor Yao Ming above all others.

The point is, none of us is an acceptable voice for the rest of the world on this. Except for me.

And I choose Pronk.

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