Thursday, March 15, 2007

Guess who's not dead

I can't believe this slipped my notice for so long, but John Mackovic(!) decided to let the fine retirees of Palm Springs what really happened in this year's Superbowl.

And not only does 'Ol Worst Hire Ever inform, he also give us a little insight into his taste in journalism. It seems Johnny likes his prose like he likes his vagina: dry and lifeless.

But I decided there was only one person to better provide some mockery than me: Former UA QB Jason Johnson. Take it away, JJ!

Defense wins championship and the Indianapolis Colts won the Super Bowl by playing defense with both their defense and offense.

JJ: "See?!? See what we had to listen to all those years? When it wasn't, 'Blah blah blah, disgrace to your family,' it was some crazy contradictory shit like this!"

DIESEL: "You forgot to mention, 'Feel free to mix in some commas and copy editing, John!"

JJ: "Shut the fuck up. No one thinks it's funny when you do these."

D: "Oh ... that was hurtful."

The Colts consistently stunted their defensive linemen to create penetration and short-circuit the Bears' run game while playing zone pass coverage and allowing only the smallest of gains when passes were completed.

JJ: "OK, Diesel, you were right. This cocksucker needs to use some commas."

The steady rain impacted the ball handling in the first quarter, but professionals adjust and the football was secure for most of the game except when Rex Grossman threw passes into coverage and got picked off twice.

JJ: "This is beginning to give me flashbacks. First of all, Coach would always talk about doing stuff the way 'professionals' did it. And then Lance Briggs would yell, 'What the fuck do you know about professionals, asshole? You fucking sucked in the pros!' And then Coach would start flipping out, saying no one talks to him that way, and he'd go gouge out the eye of some walk-on kicker just to prove how hardcore he is. Then, after practice, he'd corner Lance and be like, "We're still OK, right?" And Lance would spit in his face."

The Chicago linebackers were totally out of position to react to the short throws since they were determined to get near the wide receivers running downfield. Manning clearly controlled the Chicago defense and did not allow them to dictate to him how the game would go.

JJ: "Funny story about this: After reading this, Lance flew to Palm Springs and fucked Coach's wife."

D: "Hahahahaha."

JJ: "Shut up, fatty."

D: "Sorry."

Most of the commercials were okay with a few really good ones. I personally like seeing Oprah Winfrey and David Letterman sitting together on a couch with Dave's arm around her. Could that have been video enhancement? Nevertheless, nobody needs any enhancement to see that the Indianapolis Colts was the better team on this day.

JJ: (Blows brains out).

EDIT: Here's another person who's not dead, perhaps almost as regrettably. Also, this story contains the single greatest closing line in the history of journalism.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

As a Virginia Commonwealth alumni, let me just say: GO RAMS, FUCK DUKE!

-Suave

Anonymous said...

As a UVA alumni, let me just say: GO WAHOOS!

Oh yeah, and as a person with strong Washington ties, how 'bout those Zags!

-Suave

AnEasyMark said...

Justin
I would appreciate an invite to your blog.

Thanks
Mark

St said...

Mark,

No problem. Just e-mail me at fourweekswiththecommies@gmail.com and I'll be happy to send you one.

Same goes for any other readers who'd like one.

Justin