Sweet holy me on a matzo, what the hell is going on in Philadelphia? Kevin Kolb? We traded down out of the first round and used our first draft pick on Kevin fucking Kolb? WHO THE FUCK IS KEVIN KOLB? WHY THE FUCK WOULD WE DRAFT A QUARTERBACK? REMEMBER THAT MULTI-PRO-BOWLER WE HAVE AT QUARTERBACK? DONNY SOMETHING? WE DON'T NEED A FUCKING QUARTERBACK, ANDY REID, YOU MORBIDLY OBESE ASSHOLE! NO WONDER YOUR KIDS ARE SHOOTING H -- THEIR DAD'S A FUCKING IDIOT! I'D MAINLINE BLACK TAR TOO IF I WAS THE FRUIT OF YOUR GOUTED LOINS!
Oh Christ, I can't fucking take this shit. KEVIN FUCKING KOLB? He's some no-name jagoff out of Houston. He's like the sixth-best QB prospect in a terrible QB draft! He was a projected second-day pick! Sure, he had decent stats, but guess who else had decent stats playing at fucking Houston: a couple guys names of Andre Ware and David Klingler. How great did they turn out, Andy?
WE NEEDED A FUCKING SAFETY! YOU KNOW, LIKE THAT REALLY GOOD ONE SAN DIEGO GOT ONE PICK LATER? YOU KNOW, TO REPLACE THE 34-YEAR-OLD GUY, THE OTHER GUY WE LET GO IN THE OFFSEASON, AND THAT CHUMPY BITCH SEAN CONSIDINE, WHO GOT PLOWED OVER MORE TIMES LAST SEASON THAN HIS HOME STATE'S CORNFIELDS? WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU FUCKING FUCKBALLS?
Oh my God I can't fucking thing straight. I'm going to go urinate on my Eagles beanie and rack my shin against the coffee table until it bleeds. We'd better draft fucking Chuck Bednarik, Rocky Balboa, and Barbaro's long-lost brother with our next three picks, or there's going to be fucking Hell to pay in Philly.
Kevin fucking Kolb ... unfuckingbelievable. I can't take it anymore. I just can't take it. DO YOU HEAR ME, ANDY REID? ARE YOU LISTENING, JOE BANNER AND MARTY MOTHERFUCKING MORNINWHEG? I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE! I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE IT! NOT ONE MORE SEASON OF THIS FUCKING GODDAMNED ORGANIZATIONAL MISMANAGEMENT HEAD-IN-ASSEDNESS! WE NEEDED A FUCKING SAFETY AND A LINEBACKER AND A RUNNING BACK AND YOU GOT ME A FUCKING RUN AND SHOOT QB FROM CONFERENCE USA! I HAVE TO WORK TONIGHT!
Check the 700 level for video of Eagles fans booing Kolb's sorry ass and then either yelling incoherently or walking out. Yeah sure Donny got the same treatment -- somehow I feel like this one's a little different.