Die and rot in Hell, Rupert Murdoch

For so many reasons, chief among them your mother-effing exclusivity deal between Fox and MLB. I awoke at noon, checked mlb.com, and saw that the Mutts are up 10-0 and John Maine is throwing a no-hitter. Time to start liveblogging (same deal as last time, BTW -- one post, I'll keep updating, so just refresh from time to time). I grab my Phillies hat and laptop and move to the couch, prepared to hex it. On the way there, I run into my roommate, Tracey, in the hall.

"Morning," she says.

"John Maine is throwing a no-hitter. Did you know John Maine is throwing a no-hitter?"

"What?"

"John Maine. A no-hitter. He's a baseball player. No-hitter."

"Oh." She's wearing a towel and she looks afraid. "Great." She walks back into the bathroom.

"No hitter!"

Of course, I soon discover that I can't watch, because the game's not on TV, and it's blacked out on MLB.tv. I see a highlight of a fight during the game. No Mets appear to be dead, nor even bleeding. The day begins ominously.

I change to Fox, the Evil Empire. They're doing some bullshit multi-game window thing, switching between the Brewers/Pads, Nats/Phils, and whatever other stupid meaningless contest is about to begin.

They cut back to the studio. HOLY MOTHER, BILL O'REILLY IS ON MY TELEVISION! MEPHISTOPHELES HIMSELF IS NOW COMMENTING ON BASEBALL! I've got an idea -- I'll just go back to bed and pull the covers over my body, then pretend to be asleep, and we can start this day over. Whaddya say, God?

Cut to an Audi commercial in which a bunch of people walk around their houses saying things like, "In twenty minutes, I'm going to be in a three-car pileup." I feel like we should have a Phillies commercial like this. "In 15 minutes, my team plays the most important baseball game I've watched since I hit puberty, and Adam Eaton is starting." Except they have sophisticated safety systems to protect them. I only have Pabst Blue Ribbon.

The Fox dude is talking about how Jimmy Rollins should be MVP. No, not Jeannie Zelasko -- the other dude.

CAN YOU JUST TELL ME WHICH GAME YOU'RE SHOWING ALREADY? I've passed up a big drunken Cal barbeque and a pickup game full of literary household names to watch the Phillies play today, and if I'm going to have to go to a sports bar by myself to see it, I need to know before the first inning!

THEY CUT TO SAN DIEGO! MOTHERFUCKING FUCKITY FUCK! I cannot fucking believe this. WHO CARES ABOUT THE PADRES? NOBODY CARES ABOUT THE PADRES! NOBODY! There's no drama in the Padres game! Here, let me save you the trouble of watching the Friars for the next week and a half: They'll make the playoffs and choke in the first round for the billionth year in a row. THE PHILLIES NEED THIS GAME TO MAKE THE PLAYOFFS FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 14 YEARS!

Fuck this. I'm going to the bar. Liveblog is cancelled.

(Later): Or maybe not. Maybe I'm not going to the bar, because the only sports bar within three miles doesn't have the baseball package (only in San Francisco), and the second-closest bar assured me that even though it does have the package, it still can't get the Phils game. In other words, despite the fact that I have Fox, am willing to pay to go to a bar that pays for the baseball package, and pay for MLB.tv so I can watch out-of-market games (often on Fox) -- EVEN THOUGH I'M HEMMORHAGING FUCKING MONEY TO THE FOX NETWORK, WHICH USES IT EXCLUSIVELY TO FURTHER THE FORCES OF EVIL IN THIS WORLD -- I can't see the fucking Phillies. It is impossible. Nobody in San Francisco can watch the Phillies.

This is inexcusable. I hope Rupert Murdoch dies of a particularly slow-moving form of canker of the anal canal. Biggest game since Joe Carter and I'm watching a motherfucking GameCast.