First Quarter

Akers' kick returned by Rock Cartwright. Great name.

James Thrash makes an appearance! Does he look white or black tonight? I can't tell. This is important, folks! When he looks white, he plays like crap. When he looks black, he's good!

First series: Portis 3-yard run, Campbell throws a beautiful ball Cooley drops, short out to Santana Moss for a first down. William "the Philosopher" James on the coverage, sort of. Why are you giving a ten-yard cushion on third-and-7?

Takeo does the intros. THAT's what Takeo Spikes looks like? I didn't know we signed Deebo in the offseason. Jesus, buy a grill or something.

Two third-and-longs, two out routes to Santana Moss, two first downs. I miss Lito Shepphard already.

Fucking offsides. Clinton Portis would have gotten stuffed. It's Kearse on the penalty. He got paid $60 grand for that play.

Third and three. I smell a short pass to Moss coming. Nope! Cooley drops another one. Bad throw, but he was open. Why is everybody open on third down?

RENO! Well played, sir. His full name is Sateki Reno Mahe!

Birds coming out for their first possession, pinned on their own five. I feel some ill-advised play-action coming!

More Reno Mahe trivia while we're on break. He's of Tongan descent. According to Wikipedia, Tonga is the second-fattest nation on earth, at 90% obesity rate. No. 1? Washington, DC!

They ran the ball! I love it! Who cares if it was for no gain? Progress, I'm telling you!

Hey, anybody notice how when Jason Campbell scrambled for three yards, nobody said he didn't look very explosive? Is that progress, too? I mean, he is a mobile QB.

Short route to Weapon X, first down. Run that play all day.

Deep shot to Kevin Curtis, who has a little James Thrash in him. Maybe it's the lighting. D-Mac just called him White Lightning! He has been christened.

Hey, look, lots of short passes, punt. That's the Andy Reid we know and despise.

Introducing Sav Rocca, the Eagles new punter, a thirtysomething Aussie rules football player. We lost the porniest name in pro football, Dirk Johnson, but Sav Rocca's not bad in that department, either. (The name, folks, the name. Get your mind out of the gutter.)

Hard to tell with all the blitzing, the but Eagles' front four looks pretty good so far. Haven't said that in a few years.

Four possession, four first downs, four punts. That's some attractive NFC East football.

Eagles come out firing ... more short passes over the middle. Dropped. Kornheiser and Tirico use this as an excuse to discuss D-Mac's decline. Now he gets sacked. Here comes discussion of his lacking explosiveness #17 of the night ...

45-yard pass to Moss. William James is getting scorched. How can you be that far behind him when you gave a 10-yard cushion? No safety help, either.

Michelle Tafoya looks like Mango tonight.

One quarter in, 3-0 Offensive Mascots. What a shitty quarter of football.